I spoke to the folks at BPSI, and as I had anticipated, I’m not a candidate for a fellowship there. I would need to be an academic or a licensed mental health practitioner. Family child care providers don’t belong. I’m assured it’s due to professional codes of conduct, not intended to exclude, and that there will be other ways I can find my way to the ideas their organization promotes.

I spoke to my therapist, who is a trained psychotherapist/psychoanalyst, who assured me I am on the right track, and offered me a book by Anna Freud, Psycho-analysis for Teachers and Parents, which I read straight through in the week between our visits. She also offered her love for DW Winnicott, a man I’ve heard of before, a British pediatrician, psychoanalyst, and writer, who was recommended to me repeatedly by my old love Richard. So, on I go, in pursuit of another lover, this time of the mind, a man who is described when I search him out on the internet as “wise and wonderful.” Jeez, just who I’ve been looking for, ok cupid be damned, he’s right here in the pages of a book, in the Wikipedia entries I spent my evening last night reading rather than doing more data entry for my taxes, or spending time with folks at Sharing Circle, or out at the movies or making dinner with a friend as I have the last few Wednesdays.

I’ve ordered two of his books, cannot wait to begin my mind-expanding adventure with a guy who’s been dead almost as long as I’ve been alive. I paid for a new copy of Playing and Reality to be delivered by Amazon Prime on Friday, yes that’s tomorrow, rather than wait for the used copy to arrive in a week or two. Then after reading more about DW and his life and perusing many of his titles, I ordered Home is Where We Start, which should arrive on Saturday, because it seemed more readable, and yes, because I can’t wait to fall in love again, with a man of ideas, with a wise person in the world of education and care, with someone who is willing and able to help me more fully understand the deeper workings of the mind. If BPSI won’t do it, DW Winnicott and Anna Freud will. They can’t keep this family child care provider away from immersing myself in psychoanalysis just because I haven’t got the right degree.

Yesterday I was called a controlling woman. That made me mad. Powerful woman is another attempted insult I’ve endured. Stubborn is true. Powerful, yes,
Controlling, maybe. You decide. But words like that make me mad. Who says I shouldn’t have the power? Who says I shouldn’t decide, if that is what being controlling means? Who says stubborn is no good? Not me. Not Margo Price, a young and powerful country singer I’ve learned about from a new friend. Margo Price is another new love along with old DW, not so much Anna Freud, though I was happy to read her slim volume aimed at bringing us teachers and parents (and caregivers) into the fold of understanding the benefits we might reap from beginning to understand psycho-analysis. I need a little poetry, a little rhythm, a little leaping from idea to idea, a little song, a little story, to grab my heart, which are not Anna Freud’s specialty. She’s a bit didactic, a bit preachy, a bit of a know it all. But not D.W. and Margo. Poets and dreamers and wise persons both, if my sense of Margo and the word on DW are right. Thank you, Margo and DW, for keeping me inspired.

Time to tackle the day to day, the reading of the lovely progress reports written by our highly insightful teaching/caregiving staff, the weekly errands, the laundry, the data entry, the phone calls, maybe lunch with my son, maybe proprioceptive writing and yoga and meditation, if my schedule isn’t too off from taking time to write here..all the details that sustain me, my kids, my work, my life, all done with a little more pleasure and understanding thanks to the writing here and the reading and the listening I give myself permission to enjoy, indulgences in a world where indulgence is often a dirty word.

I’ll hope to share what I learn. For now, what I’m learning is there are always ways if we want to pursue our interests. Having a particular degree or money or time aren’t the only prerequisites to entry to adventures of the mind. Love, initiative, luck, commitment, energy, curiosity, all that is important, too, maybe more so, for the deeper learning that I crave.

For you, DW Winnicott and Margo Price, a song covered by Nouvelle Vague, another recent discovery that came to me recently and turned me on to another way of listening;

I just can’t get enough:

And, some Margo Price for you, in an NPR Tiny Desk Concert, in case you want to fall in love with a powerful country singer with a voice that’s not afraid to speak her truth: